Trigger Warning: This post discusses miscarriage, singleness, and infertility. It’s my hope that any one who is struggling with these things will find hope in the message but I also want to be sensitive to the current state of your heart. I, too, was unable to read things such as this in former seasons of my life. For any of you experiencing a season of tremendous grief, please know that you are not alone. I am praying for you.
For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a mom. When I was a little girl, I dreamt of taking care of my own babies. My favorite pretend thing to play was house and my favorite baby doll looked like a real newborn. I took her everywhere.
The irony is that those dreams gave way to my biggest fears.
In college, I was afraid that I would never meet “the one.” (As an aside, that’s a whole thing that I’d like to unpack with you all one day soon.)
After I got married, I was afraid of never being able to have a baby.
And after I got pregnant the first time, I was afraid that something would happen to the baby.
And on Christmas night in 2011, my fears were realized. I had traveled to my grandfather’s house—my favorite place in the whole world—to celebrate Christmas with my extended family. The day before, I started having some concerning symptoms, but was told that it was all normal and to not worry. So I didn’t. Until dinnertime when I was doubled over in pain. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I had never been in labor before. About 4 hours later, I delivered my first baby by myself in an upstairs bathroom.
I felt like my soul had literally been crushed—like all of the air in the whole world wouldn’t have been able to fill my lungs. The grief that I felt in that moment was crushing. My dream—the thing that I had desired most for my entire life—had been robbed from me.
I questioned God in that moment and for hours, days, and months later. How could He? How? Why? I couldn’t find an answer. It was one of the times that nothing else mattered and no one could minister to me. I was hopeless.
When you’re trying in a state of despair, it’s really difficult to pull yourself out of it. I had a lot of friends and family surrounding me, but honestly it wasn’t until I sought God that I was pulled out of the pit. And that was the case when it took years to get pregnant again and the words “IVF” were spoken at the Doctor. That was the case when I miscarried another baby on Mother’s Day weekend. God does send us people to love and care for us and to remind us that God is for us and is good. But seeking God and crying out to Him is how we are healed. It’s how we get out of bed when depression and loneliness would have us pull the covers all the way up back over our heads. Mother’s Day wasn’t a time of celebration for me for a long time. In fact, it was a reminder of another year gone by with my dream hanging in the balance.
Even so, God is with us. Immanuel. He sent Jesus to establish a new way. And His Spirit is with us and guides us and gives us our strength.
To the women who are still waiting to find the right person to share your life with, you are not alone. Seek God first. Tell Him your desires. Ask Him to make you ready for this step. Ask Him to prepare your partner, too! Asking God to help you know yourself and be prepared and trust the Lord will all be things that make a better marriage in His Timing.
To the women who have handed their children back to Jesus before getting to care for them here and now, you are every bit a mother. Thank you for holding that child close in your womb for the days ordained by Our Father. I know your heart will never not be raw. The Lord holds your tears and your heart. Cry out to Him and let Him be the One Who brings healing.
To the women who have struggled to become pregnant, who have sat in OB waiting rooms surrounded by pregnant women only to have been told “not this month” one more time, my heart is broken by what you’ve had to endure. There are some days where my answer is that “I know God is good but man, I don’t understand why He is allowing this.” Cry out to God. He can handle your anger and grief.
For each of you who are living in the middle of wondering if your dreams of motherhood will ever come to pass, I want you to cling to Scripture as the Source of your Hope. My prayer is that the Spirit of God would write this on your heart and sustain you in the waiting.
First, Psalm 44—a Psalm of Lament:
1 We have heard it with our ears, O God;
our ancestors have told us
what you did in their days,
in days long ago.
2 With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our ancestors;
you crushed the peoples
and made our ancestors flourish.
3 It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.
4 You are my King and my God,
who decrees victories for Jacob.
5 Through you we push back our enemies;
through your name we trample our foes.
6 I put no trust in my bow,
my sword does not bring me victory;
7 but you give us victory over our enemies,
you put our adversaries to shame.
8 In God we make our boast all day long,
and we will praise your name forever.[d]
9 But now you have rejected and humbled us;
you no longer go out with our armies.
10 You made us retreat before the enemy,
and our adversaries have plundered us.
11 You gave us up to be devoured like sheep
and have scattered us among the nations.
12 You sold your people for a pittance,
gaining nothing from their sale.
13 You have made us a reproach to our neighbors,
the scorn and derision of those around us.
14 You have made us a byword among the nations;
the peoples shake their heads at us.
15 I live in disgrace all day long,
and my face is covered with shame
16 at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me,
because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge.
17 All this came upon us,
though we had not forgotten you;
we had not been false to your covenant.
18 Our hearts had not turned back;
our feet had not strayed from your path.
19 But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals;
you covered us over with deep darkness.
20 If we had forgotten the name of our God
or spread out our hands to a foreign god,
21 would not God have discovered it,
since he knows the secrets of the heart?
22 Yet for your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.
23 Awake, Lord! Why do you sleep?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.
24 Why do you hide your face
and forget our misery and oppression?
25 We are brought down to the dust;
our bodies cling to the ground.
26 Rise up and help us;
rescue us because of your unfailing love.
And now, Psalm 18, a Psalm of victory:
1 I love you, Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
6 In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.[d]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
20 The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
21 For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I am not guilty of turning from my God.
22 All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.
23 I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.
24 The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.
25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
26 to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
27 You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop[e];
with my God I can scale a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect:
The Lord’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35 You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
36 You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.
37 I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
39 You armed me with strength for battle;
you humbled my adversaries before me.
40 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.
41 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the Lord, but he did not answer.
42 I beat them as fine as windblown dust;
I trampled them[f] like mud in the streets.
43 You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations.
People I did not know now serve me,
44 foreigners cower before me;
as soon as they hear of me, they obey me.
45 They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.
46 The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!
47 He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,
48 who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from a violent man you rescued me.
49 Therefore I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing the praises of your name.
50 He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing love to his anointed,
to David and to his descendants forever.
On this Mother’s Day, I want you to know that you have me in your corner. I may not know you, but we are sisters nonetheless. As you wait, I will continue to pray for God to remember you and make it known to you in a way that is tangible and brings overflowing hope.
In QAVA’s series, “Everything Made Beautiful,” Shannon Scott teaches through Ecclesiastes 3, and how life comes in seasons. Seasons of grief, of excitement, of new life and of death—and everything in between. The Lord promises to make all things beautiful in their time. How do we navigate these seasons of life? How do we know God’s sovereignty despite the world around us? And, how do we cultivate what we been entrusted with even amid hardships? Watch “Everything Made Beautiful” on QAVA today.
